Ok, I'm going to try this again.

Alright, I'm going to try some more of the blogging stuff. I'm going to branch out a little bit more I think, talk about more things.

Sometimes I feel like I have really inappropriate emotional reactions to things. Strange things (images, parts of stories, news) will make be inordinately sad. For example, I was looking through the blog Sexy People and I found this picture (which has been reposted in a couple other places too):


Alright, so I am aware that the concept of that blog is funny. A lot of the other pictures on that site were making me laugh. But for some reason this picture was different. These guys (who look like brothers to me) looked so earnestly happy and proud that I because really sad thinking that someone was laughing at them. These look like nice guys and I am honest to god tearing up right now thinking about how mean it is that they are probably being made fun of without them knowing it, when all they wanted to do was to take a picture together to give to their mom or something.

Before you go off on me and tell me how sensitive and weird I am, let me point out to you that I am aware of how stupid and really strange my behavior is. I'm not going to rally against this blog, like I said, I thought all of it was funny except, for some strange reason, this picture. I am trying to understand why I behave this way seemingly out of the blue. (Don't even try to blame it on hormones either, its not the time for that)

Here's another example: In the book The Grapes of Wrath, the chapter where Steinbeck describes the two gas stations had me bawling. The yellow paint? I couldn't handle myself. Not any of the other sad parts in the book upset me nearly as much as that part. And I'm not a book-crier either, so I don't know what is going on in my head.

I guess I should study my reaction to things more. Why do I feel the way I feel? What triggers emotional response, anyway?

Edit: when I looked at the blog again, I saw a few others that made me a little sad too. But maybe I'm just in the mood now. These look like nice people. I mostly get my kicks out of laughing at jerks, not nice people. Still, this one is pretty good. And in general, Olan Mills-type portraiture cracks me up. This stuff is funny. And yet, I fear I'm turning into one of those ladies that complains about people's feelings getting hurt. Save me from that, please.

Things These Days

Lately I've been taking quite a few pictures of leaves. Basically, it is the only thing I have been shooting.

Well, I've been trying to shoot other things, but the only things that I end up liking are these leaves. I feel like this is a subject matter that could quickly turn boring to the viewer, but to me it is an endless source of fascination. When I take these up-close images it is like I'm exploring this new landscape no one has seen before. I know that's not really true, but hell, I've never seen this kind of thing before.

I always try to figure out why I'm drawn to certain things. For a while it was making images transparent (I'm still into that), and then there were all the bugs, and now these leaves. I guess it all started when I went through a time when I would photograph nothing but trees. I get suck in these modes, but I've made good work from all of them so I guess it isn't a bad thing at all.

I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to

I haven't written in a while, obviously. I'd almost given up on this while blog thing, I didn't feel like I was making a very good contribution. To be honest, I was getting frustrated by art making, and scared, too. There were some things I didn't want to think about, so I just stopped thinking about art for a while, but then I just became miserable.

Sometimes I get really worried-- How will I survive doing what I do? How will having a degree in art help me out at all? Will I be able to stay happy this way?

And there are more questions: Am I good enough? How do I get people to pay attention to my work? I want to be in shows but I have no idea how to get my work there, and in this business that so centers on who you know, I know no one.

These are all things I can never really get myself to come out and say to other people. I guess it is mostly from pride, I don't want to admit to anyone that at times I am terrified that I will fail. I want to do well, and I love creating and the discovery that is within that, but lately I'm been very concerned about my potential for success.

This sounds so whiny, but I feel like everyone is doing better than me at this. What does it take? How do I do this?

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In other, non-whiny news, a customer at the camera store I work at gave me her broken camera, and it takes pictures like this:



That's because the light sensor inside the camera is broken, but I kind of like what it does. I secretly call it my magical realism camera, although it really is nothing like that. I mostly want to make Achewood references on the internet. I was thinking that a series of self-portraits might be fun with this.

Also, because the economy kind of sucks, people have been buying fewer cameras, so we end up doing things like this:



That is because we are productive, intelligent young people. The promise of tomorrow is in us! (Those are film canisters and that is Justin, btw)

Pitfire! (with lots of pictures)

So, the culminating event for my wheel-throwing class this semester was to do a huge pitfire in the middle of the Santa Cruz Mountains. For some reason I was possessed to shoot it all with my fisheye lens. The way it works is this:

1) Dig a really big hole:


2) Fill the hole with sawdust, salt, and pots:



3) Cover the pots with wood:

4) LIGHT IT ON FIRE

5) A few hours, a few beers, and several rounds of free-form scrabble later, this is what is left:(none of these are mine, sadly)

6) My pots!

(they look better in person, I swear)

I'll take some regular non-fisheye pictures of these later, these pots are really cool looking. This technique is a traditional Native American method of firing vessels, and you can't control the pattern the fire puts on the pots, which I love.

another list

spiders
fingernails (broken, ragged)
waiting
long necklaces
laughing
by your self
fridays
nighttime
friends (lack of)

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Something will come of this, I think. Eventually.

Ideas

Things that have been bouncing around my head:

-Book-binding. I want to make a nice-looking book for the final project in one of my classes. Here are a few good sites I found today:
Bookbinding For Beginners: A reproduced text from 1917 I believe, a little dense but good instructions.
Making Books With Children: I'm probably going to do some of these projects first, they are written for kids so they are pretty simple but still have lots of potential.
Rag and Bone Blog: A really awesome blog written by a bookbinder. It also has lots of art-inspiration type posts.

-Embroidery! I embroidered a set of napkins for my mom for her birthday, which I forgot to take a picture of, of course. They each had a different animal that could be found around the farm. I'm trying to think of a way to fuse my photographic interests with my sewing and embroidery skills in a way that isn't hokey.

-Rini Templeton mostly made art as activism. She referred to her work as "Xerox Art" because she made her bold, simplistic images with the express purpose of having them put on fliers and posters, so she wanted them to be easily reproduced. Her work is available to use even now in fliers and pamphlets (find out more on the website), but its her simple nature scenes that I really like. They would make nice tattoos or embroidery patterns (jeez aren't those on two ends of the spectrum?)


-Lists. I am a list maker, but not in any way that actually keeps me organized. My sketchbook is filled with lists like this:

vodka
extra hours
runny nose
warm skin
warm bed
brown eyes
waking up
cold light
glass of water
soup

They just appear. I don't know why.

Home

Sorry its been a little while since I've posted. I've been working really hard at school, I recently made a little photo album with pictures of ghosts in it. Unfortunatly, I had to turn it in before I had a chance to scan it, so when I get it back I'll post it here. The reason I bring it up at all is that I am interested in making a book for the final project in one of my classes, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice or knew of any websites that have good info on book binding. Any help would be most excellent.

I took this picture last time I was visiting home in Fresno, and it is a good example of the beauty that surrounds that place. If there had been some way to stay home and do what I am doing now, I would have done it. I lived in a paradise, there was a forest behind my house with acres and acres of room to explore and draw inspiration from. This isn't to say that I am unhappy where I am now or that I don't want to be here, but I do miss it dearly.

I am, however, glad I left. I'm a much better artist (and person!) for moving up to San Jose, and I've met someone I love with all my heart. I just hope that someday I can create a home that is as loving and amazing as the one I grew up in.

This post turned unexpectedly sappy, I guess I miss my family. However, how can you -not- miss a place where these little guys are made?